Making amends with life and people

Making amends is more than just an apology. Addiction creates moral wreckage. People who become addicted to alcohol or drugs might lie cheat or steal to get their drug of choice. Often what's left behind is a trail of shattered relationships. In these situations apologies won't do so I have made a list of people I may have harmed, scared, cheated or lied to, in order to make amends to them all. This is not easy but it is something I feel I must do. An amends has to do with restoring as much justice as possible. The idea is to restore in a way what I have broken or damaged. If I've harmed people and haven't made any effort towards amends or apology then I've got a lot of people, places, and things to avoid. Some large areas of my life have become what seems to be closed off for me and by doing this I feel I am opening these areas up again. This is true not only for people in recovery but for all of us. I still hope to one day not regret the past or shut the door on it. So, as I say I am making amends with life, I am taking on a whole new way of life. The last 6 years has been a struggle for me. Starting out with not knowing I had a problem and then actually understanding I have a problem but didn't want to help it, now to I don't want to live like this anymore. No more lies, no more wondering, no more asking anyone for any kind of medicine even if it is Motrin!!! I feel like I have never been so serious in my life. This is how I feel in a simple kind of way: I feel as though I am a car that has wrecked so many times and has been patched up and put back together that if I wreck even one more time I am TOTALED!!! Does that make sense?? I have been making amends with people for several days, weeks, and even months now. It has taken a whole lot for me to see what I have done and I hope that God uses this so that I can help others some day in the same situations. Although I know I am not the only one with this problem I feel like I am. I try to look at others to see if they seem like me at all in the littlest bit but I can't ever find anyone. I would feel so lonely at times. I have attended classes at Oasis and I know that I am not the only one out there with problems...obviously, but these women in class are hard core drug addicts. I liked to pop pills starting every now and then, and then when I could get them or even steal them it got so bad. The first day I walk in to class a woman asked me if I was lost. What??? Me, no I'm not lost but I come here on my own because I need and want to get better. They look at me like I am crazy but really I am just like them in a way. They were judging me by my appearance and thinking that there is no way she has problems. Let me tell you, they were completely wrong. I told them a little about me and they were very accepting to me and also opened up to me with all of their slang and terms for using and hitting, or shooting up. I also made a huge ass of myself the very first day. We were learning that all of us are addicted to something, not only bad things but other things and we went around the room telling something we are addicted to other than our drugs of choice and it got to me....Oh my, it's my turn and let me ruin it all by saying "I'm addicted to Coke" Yep, I did it, and I got embarassed as could be. I had a Subway cup right in front of me and I said it, only I didn't mean it as in cocaine like they thought I simply meant "SODA". So, after turning red and trying to explain myself they all sincerely understood what I meant. I can laugh at that today but I wanted to seriously cry when I was sitting there. Honesty has become so important to me, I want to be honest to everyone and I want everyone to be honest with me. I have taken some hard pain pills and have even overdosed badly on xanax and other medications in my past....but I am still alive today and very thankful. For some reason, God wants me here and I am so happy he does. I am so sorry I have scared so many people by asking for any kind of medicine at all. For me, which I am learning every day, I didn't think that a muscle relaxer is a big deal, evidently it is!! So, from now on, I vow never ever to ask for anything even if I feel like my head is hurting so bad I could die! This has been the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life and I can say that I am thankful for it. I finally can see what I've done and what I need to do to continue to stay on the road of recovery and happiness. I know, this is a crazy long blog and if you are reading this and you've known me forever and are surprised, well this is life and life does some crazy things. I am just glad that I can write about it now and spill the beans, truthfully. I know what it is like to feel like you could lose it all, I mean all of it. I have never been so scared in my life until this year. I have a kick butt awesome life that any young girl would dream of having and I always have and yet you ask why did you want to take pills??? It's a sickness called addiction, I didn't like the pain pills at first at all and how they made me feel and then it started to make me feel in some sort of weird way good. After that feeling a couple of times, it only felt like I was normal after taking pills. Who knows what normal really is anyways...apparently I had lost the complete idea on being normal and how to live an honest life. So, things are good now....very good. I have managed to get through some HUGE obstacles in life that I brought on myself unintentionally and I am a very lucky gal. I know what I have and I will never again take it for granted. I am thankful that people will still pick the phone up when I call them, I am thankful for people who still want me for me and can forgive me for my past and be there for me if I need them. This is not an easy fix, it's a daily choice sometimes a struggle and sometimes I just need someone to talk to and tell me it's okay and I can get through it. Let me just brag about my amazing husband for a moment. We have been together since we were teenagers and we have grown so much together. He has stuck by me this entire time and has not given up even when I thought I had given up on life and myself. He gave 100% all the time and still does to me and his family, his career, friends and he is the most loyal person I have ever known. My friend Jenn E. you know who you are girl, you have been there too and have seen me up and down and crazy and you still love me. Thank you. You are that friend that I have needed since I was a little girl. Even my mom, Larry and in-laws didn't give up and I am so thankful. I have the best family anyone could ever ask for. One thing I do struggle a little with is meeting new people. Do I need to tell them about my past or just be me and if it happens to come up just be honest with them. Being the wife of a military man I meet someone new weekly or even daily. What I know now is that I don't ever want anyone to feel uncomfortable around me and I don't want to ever scare anyone again. Thank you to whoever reads this loooooooong blog, and thanks to all those who still care and have my best interest at heart.

Happy Easter 2011. He lives, Christ Jesus lives today! It's been a long time...

Wow, it's been a long long time since I have written on this blog. It's time to start again. I have to say with today being Easter I am ready to write again and document some things about me and my life so I don't forget and also for anyone who will happen to stumble upon this and read it. I may tell a few very close family members but this is not to impress anyone or get anyone to feel a certain way towards me and my family. I just have to say I am so happy to be alive and living a full life every day with my little family. My husband and my two little boys mean so much to me and they show me little things that are so important in life every single minute of the day. I am blessed in so many ways and I feel like I can finally take hold and embrace every blessing that God has given to me. I can hardly think of where to begin but it has been a rough road to get to where I am now and I have to say I don't regret anything because I couldn't be where I am and be this happy unless everything that has happened to me didn't. I have learned so so much in the last 4 months, it's amazing. Basically I have been very sick, you could say for the last few years. Having rough pregnancies and being on pain pills so long I became dependent on them and also moving to Guam had me having anxiety attacks so doctors would prescribe me tons of pills and let's just say all of these medications grabbed me by the neck and pulled me down, down, down for a long time. I have lost respect and friendships over my actions in these years and I am very sorry for that but I can honestly say I didn't intentionally do any of it. One of the most important things I have learned is that very few people will really stick by you when it comes down to getting dirty and helping people out. Some want to act like they love you and be nosy about it but I have amazing family and friends who have stuck by me and believed in me and loved me through it all. I am 29 years old and I feel more alive today than I have ever felt in my entire life. I couldn't even imagine having a better life than what I am living. God never turned his back on me and he has picked me up every time I have fallen and this time I have been up and standing for a while and I am sure I will fall again but not down that dark of a black unending road that it seemed to be. I was such an addict that I thought I would want to get better and I would believe myself and tell others I was fine and I really wasn't. I can't believe the crazy things that went through my mind. I have done horrible things and told lies and I don't ever want to do these things again or even come minutely close. I am living so happily now with my 3 boys and I think I can't get happier than this and yet I do get happier every day and God keeps showering down His blessings upon me and my family. I am very thankful for the family I have and the friends that have stuck with me and have prayed and lifted me up. I have grown so much in this year of 2011 that I know I am exactly where I need to be and I wouldn't want to ever be anywhere else and sharing my life with anyone else. I may have thought that bigger and better sounded better before but it's not true at all. I am living a dream in Paradise. I have learned to let things and even people go that I have worried about for years and now I am free from that extra weight on my shoulders than ever before. It's not about how much money we have, how many friends we have, what we drive and so on....if someone wanted to pay me for working or what I do now staying home and enjoying I wouldn't want money....I would simply want more time. More time with those I love and enjoy to be around. I haven't been bored in so long now and I am just so content sitting on the couch with Harley and I fit perfectly in his arms. I am not bothered by minute things that used to tick me off to no end like unexpected phone calls or knocks on the door. I just embrace these things and take them as an opportunity and another door opening to maybe help someone else and make them happy. I have also been hurt by many many people but it's okay with me. I know who is there for me now and they are who matter most to me in life. It takes very special people to put up with me when I am at my worst and my worst is very very scary. I am so stinking happy if I only have one person smile at me in a day or even better if I make someone else smile, wow, I could have made their day better. My life has dramatically changed in the last few months and I couldn't be more thankful. It has stormed for days at a time on me and the clouds were very black and I thought it would never end but now it is the brightest sunshiny day I have ever seen in my life. Those people who have stood by me know who they are and if you are questioning it then consider yourself well you basically ditched me. I have been recovering for a few months now and I am clear headed and ready to live each and every day fully to it's extent. Yes, drama will come along now and again but they are just more curve balls that life will throw my way and I can climb get through those just like I have gotten over this huge mountain that I have conquered. I am going to start going back to church next Sunday and I feel like it's time. I want to learn more about Jesus and teach my kids all that I can about Him and unconditional love. It's not at all about what others think of me or how I feel I am doing, it is about those who are closest and most important of all to me in my life. No more lies, no more boredom and no more worrying for me. Just going with the flow from now on is the only way to go. I have a couple of best friends that I wouldn't give away for the entire world or the amount of money in it.

Awesome poem

Just for the record I stole this from Jenn's blog which she stole from another blog, but it so fits us both to a T! I scrub the walls of fingerprints Pick up the mound of clothes. I sweep the dirt that shoes track in- Wish I could use a hose! Meals are served from dawn to dark Dirty dishes crowd the sink Just when they're washed a put away- Everyone wants a drink! The washer pulls the dirty grime From pants worn thin and patched They look so neat and clean- Yuck! Look what those pockets hatched! Broken bones and bloody knees I should have been a nurse I take it all in shaky stride Just grateful it's not worse Screams and shouts and arguments Test the keeping of my cool They left the neighbor's faucet on- See their new front yard pool! A soothing bath is ecstasy A reward at the end of my rope Raising boys isn't really bad- But first I must wash the soap A rose can say I Love You Orchids can enthrall But a weed bouquet in a chubby fist Oh my, that says it all!

Skeeter the boonie dog

Here are some pictures of our new dog Skeeter. We adopted him a couple of days ago. The boys love him and he is getting spoiled rotten. He lets Easton pull on his ears, pull his tail and he doesn't even make a whimper. He even lets Lee carry him around like a rag doll. I just wanted to share some pictures of our new addition.

Lee's Christmas Program

Lee's first Christmas program and he did such a wonderful job!! We were so proud of him!

Happy Holidays from Guam!

Here are our 2009 Christmas pictures. I know you are asking, why are you sweating, where is the snow? It was 90 degrees during this photo session and also Guam NEVER gets snow not even a flake! It was a lot of fun get our pictures taken outside. I will post more pictures of our lights outside the house soon. Harley and Lee just got done hanging some more out today. Happy Holidays everyone!!!

Season's Greetings from Guam

So this was my first year to hang Christmas lights in Guam. It took a little ingenuity but I managed to hang lights in palm trees. It just didn't seem right sweating my butt off while I was doing it, but I hope you enjoy this Uncle Coy!!