Making amends with life and people

Making amends is more than just an apology. Addiction creates moral wreckage. People who become addicted to alcohol or drugs might lie cheat or steal to get their drug of choice. Often what's left behind is a trail of shattered relationships. In these situations apologies won't do so I have made a list of people I may have harmed, scared, cheated or lied to, in order to make amends to them all. This is not easy but it is something I feel I must do. An amends has to do with restoring as much justice as possible. The idea is to restore in a way what I have broken or damaged. If I've harmed people and haven't made any effort towards amends or apology then I've got a lot of people, places, and things to avoid. Some large areas of my life have become what seems to be closed off for me and by doing this I feel I am opening these areas up again. This is true not only for people in recovery but for all of us. I still hope to one day not regret the past or shut the door on it. So, as I say I am making amends with life, I am taking on a whole new way of life. The last 6 years has been a struggle for me. Starting out with not knowing I had a problem and then actually understanding I have a problem but didn't want to help it, now to I don't want to live like this anymore. No more lies, no more wondering, no more asking anyone for any kind of medicine even if it is Motrin!!! I feel like I have never been so serious in my life. This is how I feel in a simple kind of way: I feel as though I am a car that has wrecked so many times and has been patched up and put back together that if I wreck even one more time I am TOTALED!!! Does that make sense?? I have been making amends with people for several days, weeks, and even months now. It has taken a whole lot for me to see what I have done and I hope that God uses this so that I can help others some day in the same situations. Although I know I am not the only one with this problem I feel like I am. I try to look at others to see if they seem like me at all in the littlest bit but I can't ever find anyone. I would feel so lonely at times. I have attended classes at Oasis and I know that I am not the only one out there with problems...obviously, but these women in class are hard core drug addicts. I liked to pop pills starting every now and then, and then when I could get them or even steal them it got so bad. The first day I walk in to class a woman asked me if I was lost. What??? Me, no I'm not lost but I come here on my own because I need and want to get better. They look at me like I am crazy but really I am just like them in a way. They were judging me by my appearance and thinking that there is no way she has problems. Let me tell you, they were completely wrong. I told them a little about me and they were very accepting to me and also opened up to me with all of their slang and terms for using and hitting, or shooting up. I also made a huge ass of myself the very first day. We were learning that all of us are addicted to something, not only bad things but other things and we went around the room telling something we are addicted to other than our drugs of choice and it got to me....Oh my, it's my turn and let me ruin it all by saying "I'm addicted to Coke" Yep, I did it, and I got embarassed as could be. I had a Subway cup right in front of me and I said it, only I didn't mean it as in cocaine like they thought I simply meant "SODA". So, after turning red and trying to explain myself they all sincerely understood what I meant. I can laugh at that today but I wanted to seriously cry when I was sitting there. Honesty has become so important to me, I want to be honest to everyone and I want everyone to be honest with me. I have taken some hard pain pills and have even overdosed badly on xanax and other medications in my past....but I am still alive today and very thankful. For some reason, God wants me here and I am so happy he does. I am so sorry I have scared so many people by asking for any kind of medicine at all. For me, which I am learning every day, I didn't think that a muscle relaxer is a big deal, evidently it is!! So, from now on, I vow never ever to ask for anything even if I feel like my head is hurting so bad I could die! This has been the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life and I can say that I am thankful for it. I finally can see what I've done and what I need to do to continue to stay on the road of recovery and happiness. I know, this is a crazy long blog and if you are reading this and you've known me forever and are surprised, well this is life and life does some crazy things. I am just glad that I can write about it now and spill the beans, truthfully. I know what it is like to feel like you could lose it all, I mean all of it. I have never been so scared in my life until this year. I have a kick butt awesome life that any young girl would dream of having and I always have and yet you ask why did you want to take pills??? It's a sickness called addiction, I didn't like the pain pills at first at all and how they made me feel and then it started to make me feel in some sort of weird way good. After that feeling a couple of times, it only felt like I was normal after taking pills. Who knows what normal really is anyways...apparently I had lost the complete idea on being normal and how to live an honest life. So, things are good now....very good. I have managed to get through some HUGE obstacles in life that I brought on myself unintentionally and I am a very lucky gal. I know what I have and I will never again take it for granted. I am thankful that people will still pick the phone up when I call them, I am thankful for people who still want me for me and can forgive me for my past and be there for me if I need them. This is not an easy fix, it's a daily choice sometimes a struggle and sometimes I just need someone to talk to and tell me it's okay and I can get through it. Let me just brag about my amazing husband for a moment. We have been together since we were teenagers and we have grown so much together. He has stuck by me this entire time and has not given up even when I thought I had given up on life and myself. He gave 100% all the time and still does to me and his family, his career, friends and he is the most loyal person I have ever known. My friend Jenn E. you know who you are girl, you have been there too and have seen me up and down and crazy and you still love me. Thank you. You are that friend that I have needed since I was a little girl. Even my mom, Larry and in-laws didn't give up and I am so thankful. I have the best family anyone could ever ask for. One thing I do struggle a little with is meeting new people. Do I need to tell them about my past or just be me and if it happens to come up just be honest with them. Being the wife of a military man I meet someone new weekly or even daily. What I know now is that I don't ever want anyone to feel uncomfortable around me and I don't want to ever scare anyone again. Thank you to whoever reads this loooooooong blog, and thanks to all those who still care and have my best interest at heart.