Happy Easter 2011. He lives, Christ Jesus lives today! It's been a long time...

Wow, it's been a long long time since I have written on this blog. It's time to start again. I have to say with today being Easter I am ready to write again and document some things about me and my life so I don't forget and also for anyone who will happen to stumble upon this and read it. I may tell a few very close family members but this is not to impress anyone or get anyone to feel a certain way towards me and my family. I just have to say I am so happy to be alive and living a full life every day with my little family. My husband and my two little boys mean so much to me and they show me little things that are so important in life every single minute of the day. I am blessed in so many ways and I feel like I can finally take hold and embrace every blessing that God has given to me. I can hardly think of where to begin but it has been a rough road to get to where I am now and I have to say I don't regret anything because I couldn't be where I am and be this happy unless everything that has happened to me didn't. I have learned so so much in the last 4 months, it's amazing. Basically I have been very sick, you could say for the last few years. Having rough pregnancies and being on pain pills so long I became dependent on them and also moving to Guam had me having anxiety attacks so doctors would prescribe me tons of pills and let's just say all of these medications grabbed me by the neck and pulled me down, down, down for a long time. I have lost respect and friendships over my actions in these years and I am very sorry for that but I can honestly say I didn't intentionally do any of it. One of the most important things I have learned is that very few people will really stick by you when it comes down to getting dirty and helping people out. Some want to act like they love you and be nosy about it but I have amazing family and friends who have stuck by me and believed in me and loved me through it all. I am 29 years old and I feel more alive today than I have ever felt in my entire life. I couldn't even imagine having a better life than what I am living. God never turned his back on me and he has picked me up every time I have fallen and this time I have been up and standing for a while and I am sure I will fall again but not down that dark of a black unending road that it seemed to be. I was such an addict that I thought I would want to get better and I would believe myself and tell others I was fine and I really wasn't. I can't believe the crazy things that went through my mind. I have done horrible things and told lies and I don't ever want to do these things again or even come minutely close. I am living so happily now with my 3 boys and I think I can't get happier than this and yet I do get happier every day and God keeps showering down His blessings upon me and my family. I am very thankful for the family I have and the friends that have stuck with me and have prayed and lifted me up. I have grown so much in this year of 2011 that I know I am exactly where I need to be and I wouldn't want to ever be anywhere else and sharing my life with anyone else. I may have thought that bigger and better sounded better before but it's not true at all. I am living a dream in Paradise. I have learned to let things and even people go that I have worried about for years and now I am free from that extra weight on my shoulders than ever before. It's not about how much money we have, how many friends we have, what we drive and so on....if someone wanted to pay me for working or what I do now staying home and enjoying I wouldn't want money....I would simply want more time. More time with those I love and enjoy to be around. I haven't been bored in so long now and I am just so content sitting on the couch with Harley and I fit perfectly in his arms. I am not bothered by minute things that used to tick me off to no end like unexpected phone calls or knocks on the door. I just embrace these things and take them as an opportunity and another door opening to maybe help someone else and make them happy. I have also been hurt by many many people but it's okay with me. I know who is there for me now and they are who matter most to me in life. It takes very special people to put up with me when I am at my worst and my worst is very very scary. I am so stinking happy if I only have one person smile at me in a day or even better if I make someone else smile, wow, I could have made their day better. My life has dramatically changed in the last few months and I couldn't be more thankful. It has stormed for days at a time on me and the clouds were very black and I thought it would never end but now it is the brightest sunshiny day I have ever seen in my life. Those people who have stood by me know who they are and if you are questioning it then consider yourself well you basically ditched me. I have been recovering for a few months now and I am clear headed and ready to live each and every day fully to it's extent. Yes, drama will come along now and again but they are just more curve balls that life will throw my way and I can climb get through those just like I have gotten over this huge mountain that I have conquered. I am going to start going back to church next Sunday and I feel like it's time. I want to learn more about Jesus and teach my kids all that I can about Him and unconditional love. It's not at all about what others think of me or how I feel I am doing, it is about those who are closest and most important of all to me in my life. No more lies, no more boredom and no more worrying for me. Just going with the flow from now on is the only way to go. I have a couple of best friends that I wouldn't give away for the entire world or the amount of money in it.